The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Abridged
by Dennis Fielder
Summary: Channel Awesome and a newer group calling themselves the Legion of SuperFans does the classic parody of Shakespeare's works.


**Channel Awesome and Legion of SuperFans presents**

The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Abridged!

(It opens in a stage as Scoonertuna walks up.)

Scoonertuna (to the audience): Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Legion of SuperFans' presentation of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Abridged. I am your host, Scoonertuna, and I have a few announcements before things get underway. First, I'm a little rusty so be gentle in your critiques.

(Everyone laughs pleasantly.)

Scoonertuna: Second, we'd appreciate if you didn't copy and paste this anywhere else on the web without talking to us first. Now, in the event of an emergency and the room loses pressure, oxygen masks will fall from your ceiling. Secure the mask on, and you'll be fine. If you're reading this with a child, place your own mask on first and let the kid fend for himself. There's only so much author power can do.

(Nostalgia Critic comes up.)

Critic: HEY! What the hell's going on here?  
Scoonertuna: My friends and I are doing a rendition of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Abridged.  
Critic: No, that's what me and my... For lack of a better word... Friends are doing.  
Scoonertuna: I'm already on stage.  
Critic: I have a script!  
Scoonertuna: This is a fan-fic! The whole thing's a script!  
Critic: Then what am I holding?

(Critic sees "Arkham Planet".)

Critic: Oh cool! I'll read this later. Now... Get off my stage.  
Scoonertuna: Make me.

(The Critic punches Scoonertuna in the gut and Scoonertuna shoves him off stage as Linkara comes out.)

Linkara: Okay, this may slow things up. In the meantime, let me fill you in on the history of Shakespeare... Via Elisa, Maven of the Eventide, and DogoHalibar... I guess.

(Elisa and Dogo come out.)

Dogo: Whoa! ... Why are you dressed like an emo Emma Frost?

Elisa: Just say your lines!

Dogo: Okay lady. Geez, unbunch your panties.  
Elisa: What panties?  
Dogo: Okay.

(Dogo walks up.)

Dogo: Hi everybody... Well... William Shakespeare... Actor, playwright, poet... A man whose creativity and literary genius has had an immeasurable impact on the culture of the world. Seriously. What do you think Lion King would be like without Hamlet? Huh? You ever thought of that?  
Elisa: That just leads to another question.

(Elisa shoves Dogo down.)

Dogo: Ow!  
Elisa: How much... Do we really know about the bard?  
Dogo: Why are... You talking like William Shatner?  
Elisa: Shut up. Now, how much do we really appreciate the grandeur of the bard, all the works that can be contained in a single volume of a book?

(Silence)

Elisa: Hey cool, I think I just blew people's minds.  
Doug: Well, let's test it out.  
Elisa: Right! Who here has read or seen any play by the bard? Doesn't matter what it was, what venue. Anything.

(Everyone raises their hand.)

Elisa: Ah... Shit!

(Elisa's about to run off when Dogo stops her.)

Dogo: Whoa, whoa, calm down there, lady.  
Elisa (panicking): I want my mommy!  
Dogo: Just relax.  
Elisa: They know more than either troop! You can have them. I'm getting out of here before they get pissed at us!  
Dogo: Look-

(Critic and Scoonertuna come by as Critic punches Scoonertuna in the stomach, and Scoonertuna knees him in the privates.)

Critic (chipmunk voice): I'm in pain!

(They go off again.)

Dogo: Look, they don't know Shakespeare from Boris Karlov.

(Elisa slaps Dogo's face.)

Dogo: I meant that respectfully! ... Look, just narrow the field.  
Elisa: Narrow the field?  
Dogo: Narrow the field.  
Elisa: Okay, let's narrow the field! Who here's experienced Much Ado About Nothing?

(Dogo and a few others in the audience raise their hands.)

Elisa: Okay, you go away now. This is my crowd.

(Elisa shoves Dogo off stage. Elisa claps her hands together.]

Elisa: Now then, I think we'll start with-  
Dogo: Arghhh!

[Dogo tackles Elisa to the floor.]

Dogo: Are we seriously going to do this? Or are we going to put aside our differences and do the show? Cause, to tell you the truth, either/or is starting to look fine to me!

(Critic and Scoonertuna come out with their outfits very ruffled.)

Critic: Okay... Scoonertuna and I have come to an understanding. The show ended up double booked, so we're gonna work together.  
Scoonertuna: As it should be.  
Critic: Now, we better get going, or we'll be here all night.  
Dogo: Right! ... Who all's here?  
Critic: You'll see.  
Elisa: Okay, I guess it's your turn, Dogo.  
Dogo: Okay. Who here has seen or read... "King John"?

(Spoony raises his hand.)

Dogo: Seriously?  
Spoony: Yup.  
Dogo: So what's it about?  
Spoony: ... Robin Hood?  
Dogo: You see ladies and gentlemen, that's what we performers want to give you! Knowledge, emotions! A cheap laugh when someone gets hit in the groin!  
Elisa: You may laugh at Spoony's idiocy!  
Spoony: Hey!  
Elisa: But let he or she who is among you without sin-  
Critic: Except Jesus in the VIP area right there.  
Spoony: And Santa Christ next to him.  
Elisa (whining): Guys, you're stepping over my lines!

(Nella comes out.)

Nella: Fear not ladies and gentlemen, for we shall purge you of the theater ruination brought by computers, video games, and Twilight! But have no fear! Channel Awesome and the Legion of SuperFans are here to rectify this!  
Critic: By the way, are there only two of you here?  
Dogo: No four. The girls are in the back.  
Nella: Anyway, we're here on a mission from God and Shakespeare to lighten your hearts and strengthen your minds! Can I get an amen?  
Audience: AMEN!  
Nella: Oh... May the bard be with you; live long and prosper, for now, at this time, we now begin... The Complete Works of William Shakespeare... Abridged! After a brief opening of your hearts and wallets.

(Chester A Bum comes out.)

Chester: Hey, this looks so cool! I can't wait to watch it, but first... CHANGE! YA GOT CHANGE? AH COME ON, HELP A GUY AND SOME ACTORS OUT, WILL YA? Come on! Change! Give us your cash if we be friends, and you can deduct it when the cash year ends.

(Everyone puts money in Chester's cup.)

Chester: Hooray!

(Chester plops half the money down as he sits down next to Magneto.)

Chester: Oh my god, it's Gandalf!

[Magneto's eyes narrow as he levitates all of the change.]

Chester: Uh-oh.

(Chester runs off.)

Critic: ... Okay... So, anyone who has seen the show at least once knows that it begins with a brief biography of William Shakespeare. For this portion of the show, we have... The Nostalgia Chick!

(Nostalgia Chick walks out.)

Nostalgia Chick: Hey.  
Scoonertuna: And we also have... Velgamidragon!

(Velgamidragon walks out and waves as she bumps into Nostalgia Chick, dropping her notes.)

Velgamidragon: Oh shoot! I'm sorry!

(Velgamidragon picks up her notes.)

Velgamidragon: Okay, you can go first.  
Nostalgia Chick: Okay. Boys, #$% off.

(Everyone but Elisa walks away.)

Nostalgia Chick: You go too, Elisa.  
Elisa: Aw.

(Elisa goes off as Nella comforts her.)

Nostalgia Chick: Okay, let's begin. William Shakespeare was born 1564 in Stratford, Avon. The third of eight children, he was the eldest son of John Shakespeare, a locally prominent merchant.

[Crickets start chirping.]

Nostalgia Chick: In 1582, he married Anne Hathaway, not to be confused with the girl from the Princess Bride.

(Several people chuckle.)

Nostalgia Chick: He moved to London in 1588, and by 1592, he had achieved success as an actor and a playwright. After 1608, his dramatic production lessened, and it seemed that he spent more time in Stratford-  
Velgamidragon: I got it from here! At Stratford, he dictated to his secretary, Rudolph Hess, the work Mein Kampf-  
Nostalgia Chick: What?  
Velgamidragon: ... Huh. I thought Hitler wrote that. Any, in Mein Kampf, he set forth his program for the restoration of Germany to a dominate position in Europe.  
Nostalgia Chick: ... What? Um, I think you got your information crossed.

Velgamidragon: No really, it's all right here. After reoccupying the Reinald Zone, between France and Germany, he began construction of a massive space station to destroy entire planets.  
Nostalgia Chick: Okay, seriously, think about what you're saying.  
Velgamidragon: Oh... Crap... Okay, the end!

(Velgamidragon rushes off.)

Nostalgia Chick: Um... Enjoy the show.

(Nostalgia Chick goes off as the Critic and Scoonertuna come out.)

Critic: All the world is a stage, and all the people, merely the players. They have their entrances and their exits, and one man in his lifetime plays many parts.  
Scoonertuna: How true, and what better way to begin our tribute to Shakespeare than with his most famous play. Romeo and Juliet! Now, both of our troops will portray all the actors in this abridged telling, and the Critic and I will provide necessary narration. Now, the prologue, performed by AskThatGuy.

(ThatGuy comes out and smiles.)

ThatGuy: Kon Too Yah. Greetings and welcome to the first part of our tribute, Romeo and Juliet.

(Chester comes out again.)

Chester: Wait! What's the story behind all this?  
ThatGuy: That's a very good question. You see, two households, both like in dignity, in fair Verona where we set our scene, from ancient grudge break to new mutiny where civil blood made civil hands unclean. For forth the fatal loins of these two foes, a pair of star-crossed lovers take their life. Who's misadventure piteous overthrows, do with their deaths, bury their parents' strive.  
Chester: Oh, okay.

(Chester sits next to Lester B Bum.)

Chester: This is gonna be pretty good.  
Lester: You bet ya.

(ThatGuy walks off.)

Critic: Okay, let's get started. Scoonertuna, I'll rock, paper, scissor ya for the first bit of narration.

Scoonertuna: Oh, you're on!

(They shoot, and Scoonertuna wins.)

Scoonertuna: YES!  
Critic: Okay, but I get the next one.  
Scoonertuna: Deal. Act 1: Scene 1. In the street meet two men, tall and handsome. One Fanvolio. The other Samson. Their hatred fueled by ancient feud. For one serves Capulet, the other, Montague-d.  
Douchey (VO): That was forced.

(Critic shoots him.)

Critic: Shut up!

(Katherine arrives as Fanvolio, and Obscurous Lupa arrives as Samson.)

Katherine & Lupa: Somebody save me...! Let your-

(They notice each other and talk smack about them to the audience.)

Katherine: You old bat!  
Lupa: You smog!  
Katherine: You nincompoop  
Lupa: Ding Bat!  
Katherine: Shrew!

(They then walk past as Lupa bites her thumb and appears to trip Katherine.)

Katherine: You bite your thumb at me, sir?  
Lupa: No sir, I do but bite my thumb.  
Katherine: But do you bite your thumb at me, sir?  
Lupa: No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you sir, but I do bite my thumb! Do you quarrel sir?  
Katherine: Quarrel sir? No sir.  
Lupa: But if you do sir, I am for you. I serve as good a man as you.  
Katherine: Ha! No better!  
Lupa: Yes, better!  
Katherine: Doooooh...! YOU LIE!

(They get into a cat fight.)

Scoonertuna: During the catfight a pudding merchant happened to be-  
Doug: Stick to the script!  
Critic: No, keep going!

(Katherine bites Lupa's arm.)

Lupa: OW!

(CinemaSnob comes out in a royal outfit.)

CinemaSnob: Rebellious subjects?  
Katherine: Uh-oh, it's the prince.  
CinemaSnob: Enemies to the peace. Profaners of this neighbor-plated steal.

(CinemaSnob picks up Lupa.)

CinemaSnob: You Capulet shall come with me.  
Lupa (weakly): Okay.

(CinemaSnob picks Katherine up.)

CinemaSnob: Fanvolio, come you this afternoon for Newark to your pleasure in this case.

(CinemaSnob walks off as he accidentally banks Lupa's head on some set.)

CinemaSnob: Sorry.  
Lupa: Mommy, I wanna be Snow White for Suburban Knights.

[CinemaSnob rolls his eyes. As he leaves, Katherine kneels on the ground.)

Katherine: Oh where is Romeo? Saw you him here today? Right glad I am he was not at this fray. Ah, but here he comes.

(Dogo comes in dressed like the Phantom of the Opera without his mask or cape.)

Katherine: Romeo he cried, I'll know his grievance or be much denied. Good morrow, 'Cous.  
Dogo: Is the day so young?  
Katherine: But new struck nine.  
Dogo: Ah me. Such hours seem long.  
Katherine: What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours?  
Dogo: Not having that which having makes them short.  
Katherine: In love?  
Dogo: Out.  
Katherine: Of love?  
Dogo: Out of her favor where I am in love.  
Katherine: Alas that love be gentle, though should be so rough and terrines in proof!  
Dogo: Alas that love, whose view is muffled, still should without eyes see pathways to his will.  
Katherine: Go ye to the feast of Capulet. There sups the fair Rosalind whom thou so loveths with all the admired beauties of Verona. Go hither, and compare her beauty to some that I will show, and I will make you think thy swan a crow.

(Katherine goes off.)

Dogo: I'll go along! No such sight to be shown, but to rejoice in pleasure that is mine own.

(Dogo goes off too.)

Critic: What the hell did they just say? Did anyone else hear that?

(ThatGuy comes up.)

ThatGuy: Romeo has a crush on a girl named Rosalind and is going to a party to woo her.  
Critic: Thank you.  
ThatGuy: You're welcome.

(ThatGuy walks off.)

Scoonertuna: And... So much for Act 1.

(Applause)

Critic: Okay guys, my turn. Now to the feast of Capulet where Romeo is doomed to meet his Juliet, and in a scene of timeless romance, he'll try to get into Juliet's pants.

(Lupa runs out.)

Lupa: Wait! Who's gonna be Juliet?  
Critic: Oh crap, you're right. Okay, Dogo's Romeo, so it has to be someone on my team.  
Scoonertuna: Definitely... Nostalgia Chick?  
Nostalgia Chick (VO): NO!  
Critic: Oh! I've got it! Elisa! Wanna play Juliet?  
Elisa: WHOO!

(Elisa runs out dressed as Juliet. Dogo comes up and looks at her as she prances around singing Christine's song from Phantom of the Opera.)

Scoonertuna: Are we seriously going to do a musical number from another play?

Elisa: Oh come on. The script only says, "Sings something." Besides, it doesn't last that long.  
Critic: Fine.  
Elisa: In sleep-  
Dogo: She doth teach the torch to burn bright! Did my heart love 'till now? For swear at sight! For I never saw beauty 'till this night!

(Dogo kneels down in front of Elisa and holds her hand.)

Dogo: If I proclaim with my worthiest hand this holiest shrine, the gentle find is this, my lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand, to smooth that raw touch, with a tender kiss!

(Dogo kisses Elisa's hand.)

Elisa: Oh, good pilgrim you do wrong your hands too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this? For saints of hands that do touch, and palm to palm is holy palmer's fist.  
Dogo: Have not saints lifted holy palmers?  
Elisa: Aye.  
Dogo: Well then dear saint, let our lips do what hands do.  
Elisa (nervously): No saints, do not move for prayer's sake.  
Dogo: I move not for prayer's effect, I pray.  
Elisa: Then from my lips.

(Elisa shoves Dogo down.)

Elisa: Sin that they have touched.  
Dogo: Oh sin from my lips, sweetly urge. Give me my sin again!

(Dogo goes over as Elisa holds him back.)

Elisa: Look, I really don't wanna kiss you.  
Dogo: Look, it's in the script, so-

(Elisa gets so nervous she knees Dogo in the groin.)

Dogo: Ah!  
Elisa: Um... You kiss by the book... Oh, coming Mommy.

(Elisa runs off.)

Dogo (Squeaking): Go to commercial...go to the next scene... go get me an ice pack!

(Cut to a commercial for Dragonball Reborn before cutting back.)

Critic: Dragonball Reborn? What the hell is that?  
Dogo: Never mind. I'm good. Okay, is she a Capulet? Aye so I fear. The more is my unrest.

(Elisa walks up and stands on the podium that holds the script the Critic and Scoonertuna are reading from.)

Dogo: What are you doing?  
Elisa: The balcony scene.  
Dogo: Oh. What soft through wander window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun.  
Elisa: Oh Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo.  
Dogo: I'm right here.  
Elisa: Oh yeah, there for thou art. Now, deny thy father, and refuse thy name, or if thou wilt not be fore sworn to me, be sworn by me, and I will no longer be a Capulet. What's in a name anyway? That which we call a rose by any other name would still smell... Wait what?

[Everybody does a face-slap. Elisa goes down.)

Dogo: I take thee at thy word! Call me but love, and I shall be new baptized! Henceforth I shall never be Romeo.  
Elisa: Wait, call you what?  
Dogo: Call me but love, and I shall never be Romeo.  
Elisa (cracking up): Call you butt love?  
Dogo: Henceforth, I shall never be Romeo.  
Elisa (laughing outright): Butt love!

Dogo: Just stick to the script!

Elisa: Sorry. Sorry. Okay, what man art thou? Art thou not Romeo and of Montague?  
Dogo: Neither fair maid if either thee dislike.  
Elisa: Dust thou love me then? I know that thou will say aye, and I will take thy word, but if thou swearest, thou mayth prove false.  
Dogo: By the moon I swear-  
Elisa: SWEAR NOT BY THE MOON!  
Dogo: Uh... Okay... What shall I swear by then?  
Elisa: I don't know... How about her?

(Dogo goes to Mystique.)

Dogo: Lady by yon blessed virgin I swear...

(They realize who they're talking about.)

Elisa: Whoa... I don't think so.  
Dogo: Yeah.

[Everyone shares a laugh.]

Elisa: No, no, do not swear at all! Though I take joy in thee, I take no joy in this contract tonight! It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden. Too like the lightning, which ceases to be ere one says it lightens. Oh Romeo...  
Dogo: Oh will thou leave me so unsatisfied?  
Elisa: What satisfaction wouldst thou have?  
Dogo: The exchange of thou's most faithful vows for mine.  
Elisa: Oh I did give it to thee before thou asked it. Three words Romeo and then good night. If thy intent be honorable, thy purpose marriage send word tomorrow. See, one, two, three. Good night, good night, parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night 'till it be morrow... Bye.

(Elisa goes off.)

Dogo: Sleep well in thine eyes. Peace in thy breast. For that I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest.

(Dogo goes off.)

Scoonertuna: Though Romeo did swoon with love, by Cupid he'd been crippled. For Juliet had a loathsome Cous, whose loathsome name was Tibult!

(Linkara comes out in a Superman T-shirt and cape as Dogo comes back on.)

Linkara: Romeo, the love I bare thee can afford no better term than this! Thou art a villain. Therefore turn and draw!  
Dogo: Tibult, I do protest. I never injured thee, but loved thee, better than thou-  
Linkara: Shut up and grab the Lightsaber.  
Dogo: Okay.

Scoonertuna: Wait, they were using swords at that time!

Linkara: This is cooler!  
Dogo: Yeah!  
Linkara: Now... I AM A MAN!

(Linkara charges while Dogo sticks the Lightsaber between his arm and torso.)

Linkara: Oh, I am slain!

(Linkara bows and walks off.)

Dogo: Woo-Hoo! (Realizing) I mean, thou has slain thy opponent. Oh, I mean, I hath slain my opponent. Or... Oh screw it!

(Dogo goes off as Critic and Scoonertuna go to the script.)

Critic: Now what?  
Scoonertuna: I don't know. Linkara skipped all this stuff.  
Critic: That's okay. It's Abridged. Oh, here we go. From Tibult's death onwards, the lovers are cursed, despite the best efforts of friar and nurse. Their fate will pursue them, they can't seem to duck it, and at the end of Act 5, they both kick the bucket.  
Scoonertuna: Well that's morbid.  
Critic: Morbid? This is... SHAKESPEARE!

[Critic kicks Scoonertuna in the stomach. Scene then goes to slow motion as Scoonertuna falls to the ground. The scene returns to normal as Scoonertuna gets up.)

Scoonertuna: That was fun.  
Critic: Yeah.

(Elisa runs in pretending to ride a horse.)

Elisa: Gallop a pace you fiery footed steed and bring in cloudy night immediately. Oh come night. Come civil night. Come Romeo, thou die and night. Oh, night, night, night. Come, come, come and bring me my Romeo!

(Nella comes running in.)

Nella: Oh, he's dead! He's dead! He's dead! ALAS THE DAY HE'S DEAD!  
Elisa: ... Huh?  
Nella: Oh Romeo! Romeo! Whoever would have thought it, Romeo!  
Elisa: Snap out of it, woman!

(Elisa slaps Nella.)

Elisa: Now is Romeo gone whom Tibult has slain?  
Nella: No Juliet, it is Tibult who has been slain, and Romeo vanished. Romeo who killed Tibult.  
Elisa: Oh god... MOMMY!

(Elisa runs around crying.)

Nella: Have to admit I didn't see that one coming.

(Nella walks off as Elisa calms down.)

Elisa: Okay, now Romeo lives who Tibult would have slain, and Tibult is dead, he who would've slain my husband. That's good, right? Right?  
Chester: Um... Pop-Tarts?  
Monk: IT'S NOT POP-TARTS!

Scoonertuna: I can go for a pop-tart right now.

(Spoony arrives in his Gandalf outfit.)

Elisa: Oh Friar Lawrence.  
Spoony (Gandalf voice): Juliet, I already know thy grief. Take this vile and presently thou shalt feel a cold drowsy fever.

(Elisa drinks it.)

Elisa: Oh, I feel a cold drowsy fever.  
Spoony: Told you so.

(Spoony goes off.)

Elisa: Thanks... Gandalf... Oh... Oh, I don't feel well.

(Elisa throws up throughout the audience before going back to the stage, and she passes out. Critic does a face palm.]

Critic: Oh Jesus.

(Dogo comes up.)

Dogo: Oh no!

(Dogo runs up to Elisa and holding her.)

Dogo (Lightly smacking her): Come on, Elisa! ... I mean Juliet! ... Oh, my love. My gentle wife. Death that has sucked the honey of thy breath hath no power yet upon thy beauty. Why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe that unsubstantial death is amorous? To keep thee here in the dark to be his paramour?

(Dogo takes a bottle out.)

Dogo: Here's to my love.

(Dogo takes a sip and groans.)

Dogo: Oh true apothecary, thy drugs are quick. Thus, with a kiss...

(Dogo kisses Elisa on the lips.)

Dogo: I die...

(Dogo lies on the ground as Elisa gets up.)

Elisa: Wow, I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed that Gerald Butler played Batman and Christian Bale was the Phantom of the Opera. So what-

(Elisa notices Dogo on the ground.)

Elisa: OH NO!

(Elisa runs up and accidentally kicks Dogo in the groin.)

Elisa: Oh!

[Dogo squeezes his eyes closed but doesn't move.]

Elisa: Okay, what's this?

(Elisa picks up a bottle.)

Elisa: Poison I see has been my true love's timeless end. Oh he hath taken it all and left no friendly drop to help me after. Then I'll be brief!

(Elisa pulls out a dagger from Dennis' side.)

Elisa: Happy dagger, this is thy sheath!

(Elisa unsheathes the dagger to reveal one of the toy replicas of Anduril.)

Elisa: Cool.

(Elisa pretends to stick herself without.)

Elisa: Ow!

(Elisa lies on the ground and makes herself comfortable before closing her eyes.)

Critic: Epilogue!  
Scoonertuna: A glooming peace this morning wicked brings. The sun for sorrow will not show its head. Go forth to have more talk of these sad things. Some shall be saddened and others punished. For never was there a tale of more... WHOA! ... Than this of Juliet, and her Romeo.  
Critic (singing): And Romeo and Juliet are dead...!

Scoonertuna: I think they got that, Critic.

Critic: True.  
Scoonertuna: Now ladies and gentlemen, in the process of performing this abridged show, we've encountered the problem of making these 400-year-old plays accessible for a modern audience. Now one popular trend is to transpose Shakespeare's plays to modern settings, and we've seen examples of this with some of Shakespeare's plays set in such unusual places as the lunar landscape, Nazi prisoner of war camps, and even Vancouver. In this vein, the Critic has traced the roots of Shakespeare's symbolism. In the context of a preneachian society. For the totality of a sojourn circular relationship of form can be contrasted with the complete otherness of metaphysical cosmology and the ethical morays entrenched in the collective subconscious of an Agrarian race.  
Critic: Uh... Okay... So now we present Shakespeare's first play, Titus Andronicus-  
Scoonertuna & Critic: On a farm/as a cooking show.  
Scoonertuna: A cooking show?  
Critic: A farm? Well what the hell does that do for the audience; make them think they're watching a PG-13 Disney spoof?

Scoonertuna: Why a cooking show for Titus Andronicus?  
Critic: Oh gee, I don't know! Maybe because it makes sense?  
Scoonertuna: Okay, okay, I don't wanna fight again. Come on guys; let's let them do their thing.

(Everyone groans.)

Scoonertuna: Come on.  
Dogo: But I worked really hard on my dog impression.

(They all walk off.)

Critic: There. Now... Titus Andronicus as a cooking show.

(Cut to a table as Linkara is there looking like one of those abnormally calm people from a modern cooking show.)

Linkara: Hello and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall where evil men burn. I'm your host, Titus Andronicus. Now, when you've had a long hard day, your left hand's been chopped off.

(Linkara holds up his hand to reveal a bandaged stump.)

Linkara: Your sons murdered; your daughter raped and her tongue caught out, not to mention both of her hands being cut off, well the last thing you wanna do is cook, unless you're cooking the bastard who did all this.

[Linkara pulls out a bucket of humans parts.]

Linkara: These are what we got cut off. Now, my daughter Lavidia will begin the main course.

(Nostalgia Chick comes up with two bloody stumps to hide her hands.)

Linkara: Good evening Lavidia.  
Nostalgia Chick: Ello Yaddy.  
Linkara: And how are we feeling today?  
Nostalgia Chick: Not so good. I got my tongue yopped out.  
Linkara: Yeah, it's a real pisser, isn't it?

Scoonertuna: Okay, seriously, I'm becoming visibly ill watching this!

Linkara: Well get your barf bag good sir, for now we'll have our revenge, won't we? Bring out the accused!

(Spoony's brought out by Dogo and Katherine.)

Linkara: Now sir, I will grind your bones to dust, and of your blood in it, I shall make a paste. And of that paste, a coffin I will rear, and make a pasty of your shameful head.  
Spoony: Huh?  
Linkara: Come Lavidia, receive the blood.  
Nostalgia Chick: Okay.  
Spoony: Oh yeah, I remember you. Oh... Crap...

(Nostalgia Chick pretends to slit Spoony's throat as a red pillow to represent blood falls in.)

Dogo & Katherine: Ew...!

Critic: I didn't know blood looked like feathers.

Linkara: Now make sure to use a big bowl to get all the blood because the human body has about four quarts of blood in it. After he's dead, which should be...

(Nostalgia Chick drags Spoony off stage as a shout and a slam is heard.)

Linkara: Now, I will ground his bones into powder small, and with this hateful liquor temperate, and in this paste let his vile head be baked, at about 350 degrees. Then 40 minutes later...

(Nostalgia Chick comes out holding a pie with a bulge in the shape of Spoony's head.)

Linkara: You should have a delicious Human Head Pie, fit to serve a king.

(Linkara pulls out a woman's hand from the pail.)

Linkara: With some lovely lady fingers on the side. Now, who wants to try a piece?

(Everyone begins gagging.)

Linkara: No? What say you, madam? What please you eat? What please you feed? Come on, it's finger-licking good.

[Sounds of vomiting are heard.]

Nostalgia Chick: Ogay, we're dome.  
Linkara: Alright. Join us next week when Timon of Athens joins us for another delicacy. Until then...

(Linkara holds up a bone.)

Linkara: Bone appetite.  
Critic: EW...! I'm going to be sick!

Linkara: Yeah, but at least I'm just poking fun at a gory play.  
Critic: Yeah. Okay, next one.

(The lights go off as Spoony arrives with toy boats around his neck like scarves.)

Spoony: Like it?

(Silence.)

Spoony: Okay. Now we're gonna talk about a more mature tragedy of Shakespeare's. Othello, the Moore of Venus. Speak of me as I am, nothing extenuating. Of one who loved not too wisely, but too well. For never was there a story of more woe than this of Othello and his Desdemono.

(Spoony slams a boat into his stomach.)

Spoony: Oh, Desi!

(Spoony falls onto the ground as everyone comes back up.)

Dogo: Oh cripes. Lights H.

(The lights come on.)

Spoony: What? What's wrong?

Dogo: You passed out!

Spoony: No. It was part of the play.  
Critic: Spoony, when you looked up "Moore", what did you find?  
Spoony: A place to tie up boats.  
Critic: Oh god.  
Paw: Actually Spoony... In the time this play was written, "Moore" referred to a black man.  
Spoony: Oh God, I'm so sorry.  
Dogo: It's okay. You didn't know. (To the audience) Sorry guys. We'll have to skip Othello since we're all... Racially challenged.  
Critic: Too bad, Ma-Ti isn't here. He could've...  
Spoony (crying): Ma-Ti!

(Everyone comforts each other when Katherine runs up.)

Katherine: Wait guys! We can do Othello!  
Critic: Uh... No we can't.  
Katherine: Trust me. This idea is totally boatless. Just listen. (Rapping) Here's the story of a brother by the name of Othello! He liked white women, and we liked... Green Jell-O...

Scoonertuna: Oh this is it; this is what's going to get us sued.

Critic: No, this is actually good. (Rapping) And a punk named Iago, who made himself a menace.  
Spoony: 'Cause he didn't like Othello! The Moore of Venice!  
Nostalgia Chick: Othello is not a rap! You stop that!

(No one listens to her.)

Linkara: And Othello got married to Desdemona!  
Elisa: He took off for the wars and left her alone-a!  
Paw: It was a moan-a!  
Nella: A groan-a!

Angry Joe: He left her alone-a!  
Velgamidragon: He didn't write a letter, and he didn't telephone-a!

Scoonertuna: I hate rapping!  
Dogo: Stop being such a sapling!

(Spoony starts scatting a beat.)

Dogo: Desi was faithful. She was chastity tight! She was the daughter of a duke!  
Paw: Yeah, she was totally white!  
Nella: And Iago loved Desi like Adonis did Venus!  
Critic: And Desi loved Othello because he had a big-  
Katherine: Sword!

(Katherine pulls out a sword. The audience breathes a sigh of relief.]

Nostalgia Chick: Okay, we're do-  
Spoony: Iago said, "I'm gonna shaft the war!"  
Critic: I aint gonna do it!  
Paw: Tell us!  
Linkara: Well I know a tragic flaw, that he's too damn jealous!  
Dogo: He'd need a doop. A Dope. A kind of a schmo!  
CinemaSnob: So he found himself a sucka by the name of Casio!  
Nella: And he plants on him Desdemona's handkerchief.  
Lupa: So Othello starts to wondering, just maybe if...  
Dogo: While he's been out fighting a man and an army...  
Critic: Are Desi and Cas playing hide the salami?  
Nostalgia Chick: Oh... Resolve not to rap weakening!

Critic: Good cause the end is just beginning. (Rapping) So he comes back home and stuffs a pillow in her face!  
Linkara: He kills her and soliloquies about his disgrace!  
Elisa: But there's Amelia at the door, who we met in Act 4! Who says-

(Nostalgia Chick jumps in.)

Nostalgia Chick: Hey ya big dummy! She weren't a whore! She was pure! She was clean! She was virginal too! So why'd you have to go and make her face turn blue?  
Critic: It's true!  
Linkara: It's you!  
Dogo: So what'cha gonna do?

(Scoonertuna jumps up.)

Scoonertuna: And Othello said, "Damn this is getting really scary!"  
Critic: Pulled out his blade and committed harry carry!  
Dogo: I knew you couldn't resist.  
Scoonertuna: I still think we're gonna get sued.  
Spoony: So Iago got caught, but he probably called the plea!  
Paw: Packed up his bag and moved the Beverly!  
Everybody: Hills that is.

Scoonertuna: Huh?

Spoony: Sorry. Couldn't resist the obvious reference.  
Dogo: Right! ... Now what?  
Critic: How about we lighten up from the tragedies and do the comedies?  
Elisa: Word to your mother.  
Katherine: Elisa, we're done with the gangster stuff.

Elisa: Oh.

Dogo: So, as I've acted in about three versions of three Shakespeare comedies, I can tell you that Shakespeare was a genius in borrowing and adapting plot devices from various theatrical traditions.  
Angry Joe: That's the nice way of saying that Shakespeare stole everything he wrote.  
Critic: Well stolen's kinda strong. More like... Distilled.  
Angry Joe: Okay, he distilled the three or four best comic gimmicks of his time and milked them into sixteen plays.

Scoonertuna: Oh, Angry Joe stop being angry.

Angry Joe: Sorry dude. It's my stick.  
Dogo: Well, he still brings up a good question that I'm sure a lot of us at Legion of SuperFans and Channel Awesome would like to point out. Why'd you write sixteen comedies when you could've written just one?  
Critic: To answer that, Nostalgia Chick, myself, and Dogo will be reading an amalgamated work on all of Shakespeare's comedies while the others act it out. It's entitled, the Comedy of Two Well Measured Gentlemen Lost in the Merry Wives of Venice on A Midsummer's Twelfth Night in Winter.  
Nella: Or...  
Nostalgia Chick: Simply Taming Percales the Merchant in the Tempest of Love As Much as You Like it For Nothing.  
Katherine: Or...  
Dogo: Blackadder's Shakespeare Special.  
Critic: That seems kinda misleading. Blackadder isn't even in this.

Dogo: It's the name that draws the audience in.  
Scoonertuna: Doesn't that count as false advertising?

Dogo: Oh come on. In the filming of the original stage play, they call it Four Weddings and a Transvestite, and there's no Tim Curry singing that song in there at all.

(Cut to the Rocky Horror Picture Show.)

Tim Curry: I'm just a sweet transvestite! Trans... Sexual! From Transylvania...

(Cut back to reality.)

Dogo: Well there's your Rocky Horror Picture joke for the evening ladies and gentlemen. Now, let's begin.  
Nostalgia Chick: Okay... Act 1: A Spanish Duke swears an oath of celibacy, and turns the rule of his kingdom over to his sadistic and tyrannical twin brother.

(Cut to Cinema Snob as the Duke and Angry Joe as the Brother.)

Cinema Snob: I'm giving you free rein over the kingdom, no strings attached.  
Angry Joe: About #$%-ing time!

Cinema Snob: ... Eh.  
Nostalgia Chick: He learns some amazing magic and sets sail for the Golden Age of Greece, along with his daughters. Three sets of identical twins.

(Cut to Cinema Snob with his daughters. Every girl we've seen so far and then some.)

Scoonertuna: Wow, someone was busy.

Cinema Snob: Yes Captain. Before I was a duke, I was a porn star.  
Elisa: Oh, tell us about playing opposite Ursula Buffay!  
Nostalgia Chick: While running the hill of Italy, the duke's ship is caught in a terrible storm, which in its fury, casts the duke upon a desert island along with the loveliest and most virginal of his daughters.

(Cut to Cinema Snob and Katherine on the desert.)

Katherine: Oh no, I've got sand in my pure bum.  
Cinema Snob: Don't worry. We'll be alright.

[Everyone laughs.]

Nostalgia Chick: And the daughter stumbles into a cave and is molested by a creature who's either a man, a fish, or both.  
Katherine: ... What?

[The audience goes, "Ew". Katherine's jumped by a guy in a fish costume.)

Dogo: You okay...?  
Katherine: ... Yes...  
Dogo: Okay. Act 2: The long lost sons of the Duke's brother, also coincidentally three sets of identical twins, have just arrived in Italy.

(The remaining guys arrive, including Spoony, Scoonertuna, and Paw.)

Scoonertuna: I do not look like any one of these guys!

Paw: We're Fraternal.  
Dogo: Though still possessed of inner nobility, they're ragged, destitute, penniless, flea-infested shadows of the men they once were.

(Dogo snaps his fingers as the guys end up in rags. They all start scratching.]

Paw: Dear god these itch!

Dogo: So in the utmost extremity, they have to borrow money for an old Jew, who deceives them into putting their brains down as collateral.

(Linkara comes up dressed as Yoda.)

Spoony: Hey man, can we have some money?

Linkara: Shove off!  
Paw: What if we gave you something in return.  
Linkara: Okay, how about your brains?  
Scoonertuna: Okay. Wait, what?

Linkara: Give me your brains.

Spoony: Okay. I mean, it's not like we have a lot of options. I need a flea-bath real bad.  
Scoonertuna: Oh god.  
Dogo: Then the six brothers fell in love with six Italian sisters. Three of whom are contentious, sharp tongued shrews, and the other three are submissive air headed little bimbos.

(Nella and Elisa come out to represent the respective groups of sisters.)

Spoony: Oh god, was everyone a former porn star in this story?  
Elisa: No. Our Daddy was just very... Very fertile.

[They all nod their heads understandingly.]

Critic: Act 3: The shipwrecked identical daughters of the duke wash up on the shores of Italy, disguise themselves as men and become pages to the shrews and matchmakers for the Duke's brother's sons.  
Lupa: Hey guys, get it on with these lovely ladies.  
Spoony: Okay guy with an extremely high voice and large breasts.

Paw (Shaking his head): True idiot.

Critic: The pages lead the lovers into a forest where, on a midsummer's night, a mischievous fairy squeezes the aphoristic juice of a hermaphroditic flower into the girls' eyes, causing them to fall in love with their pages who in turn have fallen in love with the duke's brother's sons.

(The Makeover Fairy comes in and squeezes the juice on Nella and the other girls.)

Makeover Fairy: There. Now everything will be all happy and chick flicky.

Paw: Wow!

Critic: Then the queen of the fairies seduces a jackass, and they all have a bi-sexual animalistic orgy.

(Everyone rejects this idea as the Makeover Fairy just stands there.)

Makeover Fairy: Well... Poop.

[The Makeover Fairy flies off.]

Critic: Okay, okay! No orgy!

(Everyone comes back on.)

Nostalgia Chick: Act 4: The elderly fathers of the Italian sisters, finding their daughters missing send messengers to the pages, telling them to kill any man they find.

Critic: Oh, that's rough!

Dogo: However, unable to find any men in the forest, the faithful messengers, in a final misguided act at loyalty, deliver the messages to each other and kill themselves.

Paw: Wow, didn't see that coming.

Critic: Meanwhile, the fish creature, the final daughter, and the duke arrive at the forest disguised as Russians and for no apparent version, perform a three-man rendition of "Uncle Vanya."

(Cinema Snob, Katherine, and the fish person arrive.)

Cinema Snob: Let's dance.  
Katherine: ... Why?

Cinema Snob: Because.

Katherine: ... Okay.  
Nostalgia Chick: Act 5: The duke commands the fairies to right their wrong!  
Cinema Snob: Hey, get rid of the crazy juice in their eyes.  
Makeover Fairy: Oh, but look at all the romance.  
Elisa: Wait a minute. A fairy? There's no such thing as fairies.  
Makeover Fairy: You know, every time someone says they don't believe in fairies, a fairy drops down dead.

Elisa: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!

(The Makeover Fairy dies.)

Paw: Ah! And you call me a murderer for accidentally stabbing your plushie?  
Elisa: Oh god, what have I done! What do I do?  
Dogo: Clap!

(Everyone claps as Makeover Fairy gets up.)

Makeover Fairy: Thank you.

Elisa: Huh?

Dogo: Forget it. Anyway, the pages and the bimbos get into a knock down drag-out fight!

(Lupa and Elisa fight. All the guys in the audience cheer.]

Critic: During the fight, the page's clothes get ripped off revealing female genitalia!

(Elisa pretends to rip off Lupa's clothes as she pretends to be naked.)

Douchey: Rip-off!

[The audience screams "Boo".]

Dogo: Hey, give us a break! This fic is T rated!  
Nostalgia Chick: Anyway, the Duke recognizes his daughters.  
Cinema Snob: Hey, aren't those ladies that were dressed like men my other five daughters?

Paw: Yep.

Dogo: The Duke's brother's sons recognize their uncle.  
Spoony: Hey wait! It's Uncle Cinema Snob!

Cinema Snob: Oh, great this Douche remembers me.

Critic: One of the Shrews is elected senator for New York!  
Nella: Awesome!  
Critic: And the younger daughter becomes the governor of Alaska.  
Katherine (impersonating Sarah Palin): I can see Russia from my house.

Scoonertuna (Sarcastically): Oh, how original.

Nostalgia Chick: And they all get married and go off to dinner.  
Paw: Sweet!  
Dogo: Except for the duke's brother who gets eaten by a bear.  
Angry Joe: What?

(A bear jumps Angry Joe.)

Critic: And the duke's brother's sons, who are unable to pay back the old Jew and give themselves lobotomies.

[The sons start hammering their heads.]

Everybody: And they all lived happily ever after!

(They all bow and wave as the people clap.)

Kaizen: Wow!

Chester: Hey, who are you?  
Kaizen: An Avatar OC of Dogo and Scoonertuna's.  
Chester: Oh. Okay.

(Elisa comes out.)

Elisa: Hey guys, are you enjoying the show so far?

(Everyone cheers.)

Douchey: Hold it right there!  
Elisa: What now?  
Douchey: What are fictional characters doing in the audience?  
Elisa: Oh, you have something against fictional characters? Believe Mickey Mouse should be locked up?  
Douchey: No. I'm just wondering about the universal repercussions.  
Elisa: Oh. It's just for laughs and pop-culture references. Oh! And fan-fic plugging.  
Douchey: Okay.  
Elisa: Now, what we want to do now is go back to the tragedies because we've discovered that the comedies aren't as funny as the tragedies. So we're gonna start off this section of the show with Shakespeare's Scottish play... Macbeth-

(Nostalgia Chick and Nella run out worriedly.)

Nella: No! You can't say that!  
Elisa: Oh shoot, you're right!  
Nostalgia Chick: You see, you're not supposed to talk about the Scottish play in a theater unless you're performing it.  
Nella: Because it's cursed.

(The Gatekeeper appears.)

Gatekeeper: ZUUUUUUULLLLLL!  
Girls: AHHHH!  
Gatekeeper: Who dares mention the name of the Scottish play?  
Elisa: I did...  
Gatekeeper: Are you performing some extremely abridged version?  
Elisa: Yes.  
Gatekeeper: Okay, go ahead.  
Elisa: Thank you.

(The Gatekeeper disappears.)

Critic: Luckily, we're not only gonna do an abridged version of Macbeth, but we're gonna do it... In perfect Scottish accents. I call Macbeth!  
Scoonertuna: Okay, then I'm Macduff.

(The girls are joined by Lupa, Katherine, and Velgamidragon as they all put on Hogwarts robes.)

Lupa: Oh yeah. We're going there.  
Katherine: And a one. And a two. And...  
Girls: Double... Double... Toil and trouble... Fire burn and cauldron bubble...

Scoonertuna: Pop culture reference.

(The Critic jumps out in a kilt.)

Critic: Stay ye imperfect speakers! Tell me more!  
Elisa: Macbeth... Macbeth...  
Critic: Yeah?  
Nostalgia Chick: Beware Macduff. He seeks to harm ye. Don't ya know?

[Homer comes out with a Duff beer.]

Nostalgia Chick: Not that Duff!

Homer: Oops... Um... Where's my seat?  
Dogo: Front center.  
Homer: Okay.

(Homer walks off.)

Critic: Now where were we?  
Nostalgia Chick: Macduff wants to kill you.  
Critic: Oh, right. (Scottish accent): Ach! That's just great!

(Scoonertuna appears in a kilt.)

Scoonertuna: Ah-ha! See you, Jimmy! Know that I was untimely ripped from my mother's womb!  
Critic: ... Well that's disgusting, but every woman has the right to choose.  
Scoonertuna (To the audience): Message!

(They begin sword fighting.)

Critic: Bring it on ye great hagus breath, ye!  
Scoonertuna: Ah Macbeth! Ye killed me wife! Ye murdered me barons! Ye did I jobby in me strew!  
Critic: Ach! No I didn't!  
Scoonertuna: Aye, ye did! And I had to throw half of it away!

(Scoonertuna chases Critic off stage as a slash is heard.)

Everybody (VO): Ew...!

(Scoonertuna comes out with a plastic Critic head.)

Scoonertuna: Behold where stands the usurper's accursed head. Macbeth, your arse is out the winder.

(Scoonertuna kicks the head off as it hits Douchey in the head.)

Douchey: Oh, you cock bucket!  
Scoonertuna: And know that never was there a story of more blood and death than this of Mr. and Mrs. Macbeth. Thank you.

[Everyone claps. Dogo comes out with a roman circlet on his head as he's surrounded by Spoony and Elisa.)

Spoony: Meanwhile, Julius Ceaser was a much beloved tyrant.

Everybody: Hail Julius Ceaser!  
Dogo: Hail people.  
Spoony: Who was warned by a soothe slayer...  
Elisa (Maven voice): Beware the ides of March...!  
Spoony: The great Ceaser however decided to ignore the warning.  
Dogo: What the hell are the ides of March?  
Elisa: That's the fifteenth of March.  
Dogo: Hey, that's today.

[Spoony and Elisa pull out knives and begin stabbing Dogo.)

Dogo: Etui, Brute?  
Spoony: Yup. Me too.

[Dogo gives mock ows of pain as he collapses on stge. Linkara walks out.)

Linkara: Friends, Romans, lend me your ears. I've come to bury Ceaser, so let's bury the schmuck and get on to my play, Anthony and Cleopatra.

(Elisa comes out dressed in Ancient Egyptian. She's holding a rubber snake.)

Elisa: Is this an asp I see before me?

[Elisa shakes it a bit.]

Elisa: Because it looks dead.

(Elisa holds it to her neck.)

Elisa: Oh god, it bit me! I'm poisoned! I'm gonna die!

(Elisa throws up on people again as everyone comes up and pulls her back onstage.)

Critic: Sweet Carmel milk shakes that was nasty.

Elisa: What? What's wrong?  
Nostalgia Chick: Elisa, you seem to have this really weird notion that all of Shakespeare's tragic heroines vomited on people before they died.  
Elisa: Hey, it's an interpretation.  
Spoony: So's Rep Brown not raising his #$%ing voice once for Captain America!  
Dogo: Anthony and Cleopatra isn't a Pepto Bismal commercial. It's a political play about Egypt and Rome.

Spoony: Your point?

Dogo: It's like a history piece.  
Spoony: Oh, you mean like Shakespeare's play about the Soviet Union?  
Dogo: ... What?

Audience: WHAT?

Spoony: Yeah, didn't he write something called Chernobyl Kinsmen?  
Dogo: No! He wrote a play called TWO Noble Kinsmen!

Spoony: Oh. Never heard of it.  
Scoonertuna: Well that's because... Oh wait. He brings up a good point. I should explain the Apocrypha to the audience.  
Spock: Seems logical.  
Dogo: Oh, hi Spock. Didn't know you were a Shakespeare fan.  
Spock: I am well versed in the classics.  
Linkara: Then how come you don't know "Row, Row, Row Your Boat?"  
Critic: Okay, getting off track here.

Scoonertuna: What's the next play?

Dogo: You were going to talk about the Apocrypha.  
Scoonertuna: Oh yeah. You see the Apocrypha are what we call the lesser known plays or quite simply, the bad plays. However, not all of the Apocrypha are without merit. In fact one, Troyes and Cressida, is hardly bad at all. Think of it as an underrated film that never got it's just deserved, but gained a cult following.

Dogo: Spider-Man 3!  
Critic & Linkara: Yeah!  
Audience: BOO!

Scoonertuna: Moving on!

Dogo: Aw...  
Scoonertuna: Speaking of Troyes and Cressida, I have a book that discusses this play and the other apocrypha at length, in a book entitled, "Me and My Willie". I'd like to whip it out right now.  
Critic: Scoonertuna! Not here!

Scoonertuna: What? (Realizing) No, NO! That's not what I meant!

(Scoonertuna pulls out a book.)

Scoonertuna: I meant my book.  
Critic: Oh thank god.  
Scoonertuna: Yeah, I wrote a whole chapter on Troyes and Cressida.  
Elisa: Ooh! We can use that to do an interpretive dance!  
Lupa: Hey yeah, and we could use the dance to explore the deeper themes of the book.  
Scoonertuna: No! We're gonna do a scholarly approach.  
Elisa: Screw that!

(The two go off and return in dancing outfits. Scoonertuna just tosses the book aside.]

Scoonertuna: Fine, screw it up for all I care.

(Elisa grabs the book and shoves it in Scoonertuna's face.)

Elisa: No, we need you to read it to know how to dance!  
Scoonertuna: Um... Okay?  
Elisa: Yay!  
Scoonertuna: Okay, so Troyes and Cressida was written in 1603, published in 1604, and is in the first folio.

(Lupa comes out with a toy version of the Enterprise.)

Scoonertuna: Oh, dear lord, what is this now?

Lupa: Don't worry! Run with it!  
Scoonertuna: Okay...

(Elisa picks the Enterprise up and skips around. Scoonertuna continues reading trivia about the play as Dogo brings out the Dragon Zord.)

Scoonertuna: Okay, that does it. Guys, my book isn't Star Trek meets Power Rangers!  
Dogo: It would sell loads of copies though.

[Scoonertuna rolls his eyes.]

Critic: Okay, I agree with you, Scoonertuna, but is there anything in here about the plot?  
Scoonertuna: Of course. It's covered on page 9.  
Critic: Right! Everybody ready?  
Everybody: READY!  
Scoonertuna: Okay. Troyes, youngest son of the king of Troy...  
Paw: I'll be Troyes, and the Critic can be the King of Troy.  
Critic: WHOO!  
Scoonertuna: Has just fallen in love with Cressida.  
Elisa: Me!  
Scoonertuna: Alright. And has arranged with her uncle Ponderous for a meeting.  
Linkara: I'll be Ponderous.

Scoonertuna: Whatever. Although she feints indifference, she is attracted to him.

(Elisa stops dead.)

Elisa: Feints indifference? So I've gotta act like I'm acting? That always sucks.  
Scoonertuna: And then we meet Agamemnon-  
Critic: Agamemnon? That does it! No Troyes and Cressida!  
Douchey: Dooh!

(Critic shoots Douchey again.)

Scoonertuna: What? What's wrong?  
Elisa: When you said Agamemnon, I was asleep. You see guys; this is why the bard's so inaccessible! The plots of the stuff we have to study are so boring!

Critic: I agree we need something a little more action packed!

Linkara: Yeah! Why can't Shakespeare be more like sports?  
Nostalgia Chick: Sports?  
Dogo: Hey yeah! All the histories, even without Shakespeare, are like a giant game of football.  
Scoonertuna: You know what? They are sort of similar.  
Elisa: I call color commentator!  
Paw: I call regular commentator!

Scoonertuna: I call Ref!

Critic: Okay! Let's go!  
Paw: Hello everyone! Welcome to today's War of the Roses Bowl! It's a beautiful day out!  
Elisa: It certainly is, Paw!

Paw: And this game looks like it's going to match the great day.

Elisa: Hooray! Oh, here comes the referee.

[Scoonertuna walks out.]

Scoonertuna: Now I want a fair fight.  
Critic: This is the War of the Roses. When is this fair?

Scoonertuna: You know what I mean. Are you ready?

Critic: Yup.

Scoonertuna: Okay, GO!

Critic: 25! 42! Richard 3! Henry 6! Parts, 1, 2, and 3! HUT!  
Paw: And the crown is snapped to Richard II, that well spoken fourteenth century monarch!  
Elisa: He's fading fast, looking for an heir down field, but there's a heavy rush from King John!  
Critic: Ah! My cloved flesh seeps onward!

Paw: Say what?

Elisa: I think he said, "Oh God! I'm dead!"  
Paw: Anyway, the crown is in the air, but Henry VI comes and takes it!  
Linkara (impersonating Stewie Griffin): Victory is mine!  
Elisa: He's hit immediately by King John, and he's being divided into three parts! ... EW!  
Linkara: Ah, damn you all to the bowls of bloody hell!

Paw: And I think the ref is about to lose his lunch.

[Scoonertuna pukes.]

Elisa: Boy it's just a bath of bodily fluids out there today. King John has the crown. This could be the end of the War of the Roses cycle.  
Paw: King John is in the clear!  
Dogo: My soul hath no hold.  
Paw: He's at the thirty yard line. The twenty-five! The twenty! Oh! Poisoned on the ten yard line. He's out for the game! Replacing him now is number 72, King Liir.  
Angry Joe: Divide we are kingdom in three. Cordelia, you go long.  
Nostalgia Chick: Okay-

(Scoonertuna blows his whistle.)

Elisa: Oh wait. The ref is stopping the play.  
Scoonertuna: Fictional character. Liir's disqualified.

Nostalgia Chick: What? Are you crazy, what kind of a call is that?

Scoonertuna: Don't make me take you out of the stage!  
Elisa: Ooh... Little friction. Oh, Liir and his children are being dragged off, and lining out now are that father-son team of Henry IV and Prince Hal.

Paw: This outta be good!

Paw: Henry IV snaps to the quarterback! Quarterback snaps to the hunchback!  
Elisa: Looks like that limp is giving Richard III trouble again.  
Cinema Snob: A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!  
Elisa: Oh, his horse has tossed a shoe leaving a fumble! Henry the eighth catches the crown!  
Paw: He's headed for the goal line!  
Elisa: He stops at the five to chop off his wife's head!  
Paw & Elisa: TOUCHDOWN!

[Scoonertuna pukes again and holds up his arms.]

Scoonertuna (Gagging): TOUCHDOWN.

Paw: And thus it's the beginning of the Tudor dynasty!

(Everyone cheers and calms down.)

Critic: Now that... Is how you should study Shakespeare.  
Nostalgia Chick: Yeah, it was so-  
Katherine: Excuse me, Dr. McCoy; can I borrow your program real quick?  
Bones: Keep it. Always throw the damned things away anyway.  
Nella: What are you doing?  
Katherine: Checking the list of plays. I think we've done them all.

Nella: No way.

Katherine: Yeah, 'cause we just did all the histories.  
Critic: Oh yeah. And we did the comedies all together.  
Linkara: Oh cool. That just leaves the tragedies. Let's see, Titus Andronicus I did with all the bloody violence of early Shakespeare.  
Elisa: We did Romeo and Juliet.  
Dogo: Julius Ceaser, and we mentioned Troyes and Cressida.  
Nostalgia Chick: We rapped Othello.  
Scoonertuna: We may be able to let you guys out early tonight. Because we did the Scottish Play. Wait, Anthony and Cleopatra?  
Elisa: We did it.  
Linkara: Ya sure?  
Elisa: Yeah. I threw up on the right third of the internet.  
Dogo: Oh yeah.  
Linkara: Okay, Timon of Athens I mentioned in the cooking show.  
Angry Joe: Same with King Liir.  
Critic: I think you're right that's all of... Oh... Wait... Hamlet.  
Nella: Say what now?

Scoonertuna: Finally!

Nella: I don't know... I mean, the football thing took a lot out of me, and I don't know if we could do it justice.  
Critic: We don't have to do it justice. We just have to do it.  
Nella: No. I don't feel comfortable about this.  
Dogo: Come on. I think these guys would like to see Hamlet! Right?

[The crowd cheers.]

Nella: Fine. Do it without me.  
Nostalgia Chick: Nella, you're part of the team.  
Nella: Forget it.

(Nella sits next to Little Raven.)

Nella: I'll just sit here and watch.

Nostalgia Chick: Nella, get up here. NOW!  
Nella: No!

(Nostalgia Chick tries to pull Nella back on stage, but she clutches at Raven.)

Nella: No! Help me!  
Raven: No thank you. I wanna see Hamlet.

[Nella groans. Nella's dragged up as she's holding Raven's cloak.)

Nella: Oops.  
Doug: Give that back! She's just a toddler!

[Nella throws the cape back.]

Raven: Thank you.

(While everyone's distracted, Nella makes a run for it.)

Critic: Hey, get back here!

(Everyone except Katherine chases after her as they all leave the auditorium.)

Katherine: Uh-oh.

(Katherine looks around.)

Katherine: The gang's usually faster than Nella, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Um... "At the far end of town where the grickle grass grows" No. No. We're saving that for another few fics. Um... You know what, why don't you turn your computer off for a bit and play outside? Once you come back, I'm sure Nella will be back.

[The computer shuts off. It turns back on a few minutes later as Katherine's watching Avengers.)

Katherine: AH! Sorry, she's still not here, but last I heard, they caught her on the borders of Mordor, so-

(They all come back, dragging Nella.)

Critic: Okay, now, we're doing Hamlet.  
Nella: I don't wanna!

(The Makeover Fairy appears.)

Makeover Fairy: Ooh! Then maybe we can work on you some more.  
Nella: Sorry! I got a play to do!

[Nella runs back to the stage.]

Makeover Fairy: Aw... (Notices Raven) Aw... Look at the cute little girl in need of a makeover.  
Raven: I don't like makeup.

Makeover Fairy: Such a shame. Your mommy needs to talk to you about beauty.  
Raven: It's what's on the inside that counts.  
Makeover Fairy: Huh?  
Critic: Okay, now let's set up for... HAMLET! The Tragedy of the Prince of Denmark!

Scoonertuna: Do you guys think we should modernize it?

Critic: No! Now get back stage!

(Everyone goes back stage as Nella and Dogo come out in guard outfits with their backs to each other.)

Nella: Who's there?  
Dogo: Nay, answer me! Stay and unfold yourself!  
Nella: Long live the king!  
Dogo: Bernardo!  
Nella: What?

(They notice each other and relax.)

Dogo: I nearly shot you.

Nella: Yeah, arrow wounds have to hurt. Anyway, it's passed ten. Get thee to bed Horatio.  
Dogo: Much thanks.  
Nella: Good night.  
Dogo: Peace break thee off! Look where it comes!

(Spoony comes out in a hooded Obi-Wan outfit.)

Spoony: You will let me pass... I mean BOO!

Dogo: ZOINKS!  
Nella: Mark it Horatio! Let it be spotted!  
Dogo: What art thou? By heaven and Earth I charge thee!

(A rooster crows.)

Spoony: Uh-oh. Gotta go to work.

(Spoony walks off.)

Dogo: 'Tis gone.

[Dogo is confused.]

Dogo: Break we are watch up, and by my advice, we must report what we have seen tonight to Hamlet, Prince of Denmark!

(They head off as Scoonertuna comes in dressed like Anakin from The Clone Wars.)

Scoonertuna: Oh that this too, too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into adieu. That it should come to this, but two months dead. So loving to my mother... FRAILTY THY NAME IS WOMAN! Yeah, I'm talking to you, lady!  
Makeover Fairy: Oh! I'm... I'm telling Azar on you once I make Raven over!  
Raven: I don't want a makeover.  
Makeover Fairy: Oh stop whining. Your six years old. Time to get smoking hot for Jump City.

Scoonertuna: AHEM!

Raven: Sorry.  
Scoonertuna: Marriage with my uncle. Mine father's brother. The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage table.  
Dogo: My lord!  
Scoonertuna: Horatio!

(The two shake hands.)

Scoonertuna: Me thinks I see my father.  
Dogo: Where my lord?  
Scoonertuna: In my mind's eye.  
Dogo: My lord I think I saw him yesternight.  
Scoonertuna: Saw who?  
Dogo: The king your father.  
Scoonertuna: Oh well that's- Wha . . .?

Dogo: I saw him yesternight. He was as real as you stand before me, now.

Scoonertuna: But where was this?  
Dogo: Upon the platform where we watched.  
Scoonertuna: 'Tis very strange. I will watch tonight. Perchance it may walk again. All is not well Horatio. Would the night would come!

(The lights go out to symbolize night.)

Dogo: Ooh. Would that someone would give me a million dollars!

(Nothing happens.)

Dogo: Worth a shot, right?

[Scoonertuna waits. Suddenly the two begin shivering.)

Scoonertuna: Oh the wind bites shrewdly. It is very cold.  
Dogo: Look my lord! It comes!

(The two cross themselves.)

Scoonertuna: Angels and ministers of grace defend us! All is not well in the state of Denmark!

(Spoony comes out.)

Spoony: ... Mark me... Mark me...  
Scoonertuna: Speak. I am bound to hear.

Spoony: Good cause I'm not going to repeat myself. (To Dogo) You are dismissed. Begone!

Dogo: Too scared. Can't move.  
Spoony: Okay, but keep quiet. Thou shalt revenge me if indeed thy dear father loved. Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.  
Scoonertuna: Murder!  
Dogo: Murder!  
Spoony: Yes! Murdered I tells ya! Murder! For the serpent that did sting thy father now wears his crown.  
Scoonertuna: My uncle!  
Dogo: His uncle!

Spoony: Yes, my brother.

Spoony: Let not the bed of Denmark be a couch for incest.  
Scoonertuna: Incest!  
Dogo: A couch!

Spoony: SILENCE!

Dogo: Yes sir!  
Spoony: Adieu Hamlet. Adieu... Remember me...

(Spoony walks off.)

Dogo: My lord, this is strange.  
Scoonertuna: There are more things in heaven and Earth Horatio than are dreamed of in your philosophy. So piss off.

Dogo: Got it.

[Dogo walks off.]

Scoonertuna: I here after shall think meat to put an antic disposition on. I'm gonna act like Sonny from Coco Puffs. Oh, the time is out of joint. Oh cursed spite! That ever I was born to exit Right!

[Scoonertuna exits stage left, but quickly catches himself. Linkara comes out dressed like one of the Vulcan councilmen.)

Linkara: Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

(Elisa runs out screaming her head off.)

Linkara: How now Ophelia. What's the matter?  
Elisa (very quickly): Oh my lord as I was sowing in my closet, Lord Hamlet with no hat upon his head, pale as his shirt, his knees knocking together, and with a look so perfidious and profound, he looked as if he had leapt out of hell to speak to me. He comes before me.

(Elisa holds the sides of her dress nervously.)

Linkara: I'd keep that dress if I were you. It's all we could afford for this production.

Elisa: Beg pardon?  
Linkara: Erm… So he's mad for thy love?

Elisa: Oh my lord, I know not.

Linkara: Well, you should. (Laughs) For this is the very ecstasy of love. I have found the cause of Hamlet's lunacy. Since brevity is the soul of whit, I shall be brief. He is mad.

Elisa: Mad?  
Linkara: Yes, mad I say.

(Scoonertuna comes out acting like Daffy Duck.)

Scoonertuna: Woo-Hoo! Woo-Hoo! Woo-Hooo!  
Linkara: See?

Elisa: Okay.

(Elisa walks out.)

Linkara: How now my lord?  
Scoonertuna: Oh very well! Me doing very well.

Linkara: Um... What are you reading?  
Scoonertuna: Twilight and it's the greatest book I've ever read in my life!

[Linkara gasps.]

Linkara: Dear God he has lost his mind!

Elisa: Daddy, it's almost time for the play within the play.

Linkara: Excellent.

(Linkara heads off.)

Scoonertuna: I am but mad, north by north west. When the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.  
Raven: ... What?  
Scoonertuna: I don't know. I'll have these players play something like the murder of my father before my uncle. I'll observe his looks. If he do but blench, I'll know my course. The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!

Raven: Again, what?

Scoonertuna: Quiet! Now... To be or not to be? That is the question.  
Raven: Mommy, I don't understand. How'd we get to this point?

Scoonertuna: Let's just do the version everyone can understand, Okay? Okay?

(Scoonertuna's about to talk again when another commotion comes up.)

Raven: Mommy, the weird lady's trying to make me over!  
Makeover Fairy: Come on. You'll look so cute.  
Scoonertuna: SHUT UP! (Ahem) To be or-  
Raven: STOP IT!

(Scoonertuna looks up as Raven's squirming away from Makeover Fairy.)

Makeover Fairy: Just a little lipstick.  
Scoonertuna: What part of shut up don't you two understand?

Makeover Fairy: I just think she-

[Scoonertuna pulls out a dart gun and shoots her. Makeover Fairy falls unconscious.)

Raven: Thank you.  
Scoonertuna: You're welcome.  
Raven: Okay, you can go on, now. I really like what I was able to hear.  
Scoonertuna: Fine. To be or not to be. That is the question. To die! To sleep! To take a bath! Or to cook dinner by 5:30 because of that stupid party and making sure-!

(Everyone comes up.)

Dogo: Dude, are you okay?

(Scoonertuna sobs.)

Dogo: Sorry everybody. He's just never gotten over Tess' death at the end of Smallville.  
Scoonertuna: TESS! Damn you, writers! (voice breaking) Damn you all to hell...

(Scoonertuna sobs on the ground.)

Critic: Wow, he took that pretty hard. Well, I guess we'll have to cut the To Be or Not to Be speech.

(Makeover Fairy gets up.)

Makeover Fairy: What? What happened?  
Dogo: You became the prime example of why you shouldn't talk in theaters.  
Elisa: Yeah. This is the risk you take in live theater. Like... If this was Wicked, maybe the giant Wizard Head might not come out or something.  
Linkara: Yeah, sorry everybody. We're pretty much gonna have to skip the speech.  
Makeover Fairy: Aw...  
Nostalgia Chick: You should have thought of that before you interrupted Scoonertuna.  
Critic: It's overrated anyway. Hamlet's supposed to be focused on killing his uncle, and Shakespeare's got him contemplating suicide? What the hell is that?  
Raven: That's what I said. It makes Hamlet all weak and wishy-washy.  
Critic: Yeah. So we'll skip that and go to the play within the play.  
Dogo: But what about the piece of work speech?  
Critic: I think we can cut it.  
Dogo: It's kind of important.  
Critic: Alright. You explain it to them while we cheer Scoonertuna up.  
Dogo: Right.

Scoonertuna: Aw, what's the point of enjoying Superman now!  
Critic: Least no one brought up Davis Bloome.  
Scoonertuna: DAVIS BLOOME!

Dogo: Just keep him relaxed and talk about Chloe. Okay everybody, there's this one speech that comes before the play within the play. It goes... I have of late but wherefore I know not lost all my mirth, foregone all custom of exercise, so heavily it goes with my disposition that this goodly frame of the Earth seems to be a sterile repository. This most excellent canopy be aired by a few. This brave were hanging by a firmament. This majestic root threaded a golden fire... Why it appears to me no other foul and pestilent congregation pay for this. What a piece of work is man...? How noble in reason... How infinite in faculty In forming and moving how express and beautiful. In action, how like an angel... In apprehension, how like a god. The beauty of the world. The paramount of animals. To me, what is the quintessence of dust? ... Man delights not me.

(Everyone applauds and cries.)

Makeover Fairy (crying): I've never been so moved and sad. My mascara's running, and I'm not even caring.

[Scoonertuna sobs louder.]

Scoonertuna: I wanted say that line...

Dogo: Don't worry buddy. I know what'll cheer you up. Miss Mercer, could you have your fan boy cameo to cheer Scoonertuna up?  
Tess: Sure.

Scoonertuna: Woo-Hoo!

Tess: Okay, I'm going back to my seat now.  
Dogo: Right. Now for the-  
Scoonertuna: Wait, the get thee to the nunnery scene.  
Dogo: Oh yeah.  
Elisa: Let's just skip it.  
Dogo: Why?  
Elisa: Because it's an Ophelia scene, and I'm not sure I can get into character in time.  
Dogo: Are you kidding? The nunnery scene is the easiest Ophelia scene there is, and I'll show you. We'll do it right now and let the audience decide. Okay, Scoonertuna?  
Scoonertuna: Right. GET THEE TO A NUNNERY!

(Elisa screams, and the applause are respectable.)

Dogo: There, see?  
Elisa: I just think there's more we can do with this scene.  
Dogo: Actually... That is a good idea. What do the rest of you think?

[They all nod their heads.]

Dogo: Okay! We need an id! ... I know!

(Dogo picks up Raven and sets her on stage.)

Dogo: Raven, we want you to be Elisa's id.  
Raven: Okay.  
Dogo: So right now, we figure Elisa's id is wishy-washy. It doesn't know what to do with all the craziness going on, so how about you run back and forth on the stage?  
Raven: Okay.  
Dogo: Wanna give it a test run?  
Raven: Sure.

(Raven runs back and forth across the stage.)

Dogo: Perfect!

Dogo: Now the ego. Okay, the first two rows here swing your arms around saying, "Maybe. Maybe not."

(The people do so.)

Dogo: Douchey McNitpick, what's your problem?

Scoonertuna: Douchey McNitpick?

Douchey: I won't participate! It's stupid!

(Critic pulls out his gun.)

Douchey: Maybe! Maybe not! Maybe! Maybe not! Please don't stick a grenade up my ass again!  
Critic: That's better. Now, for the rest of the audience, you're Ophelia's super ego. Okay, everyone on the far right, we'll call you section 1. You're the voice of all the men in her life, so we'll have you say Hamlet's line. "Get thee to a nunnery!" Let's hear it.  
Section 1: Get thee to a nunnery!

Critic: Very good.

Dogo: So the middle of the audience: Section 2. I figure that it's the side of Ophelia that's trying to make herself look appealing, so how about we use a line from Shakespeare that says, "Paint an inch thick." Let's try that.  
Section 2: Paint an inch thick!

Dogo: Perfect.

Nostalgia Chick: Now the final third, section 3, obviously, we're going to try and bring it into a modern context. Like making her have career goals but also wanting kids and stuff like that.  
Katherine: Yeah like... Cut the crap, Hamlet! My biological clock's ticking, and I want babies now!  
Nostalgia Chick: Okay, let's use that.  
Section 3: Cut the crap, Hamlet! My biological clock's ticking, and I want babies now!

[Everyone goes, "Oh".]

Critic: Okay, on the count of three, we're all gonna do this at once, and stop when we say so. And a one... And a two...

(Everyone begins shouting for awhile until Critic raises up his hands.)

Critic: Go!

(Elisa lets out a scream that would wake the dead and everyone gives her a standing ovation.)

Elisa: Thank you!

Dogo: Okay, now we'll go ahead with the play within the play scene. Where Hamlet discovers crucial evidence that his uncle murdered his father.

(Scoonertuna's there with a puppet box with two sock puppets.)

Scoonertuna: Speak the speech, I pray, trippingly on the tongue. Suit the word to the action the word to the word and hold as it were, the mirror up to nature.

(Scoonertuna stands up as Linkara walks in.)

Scoonertuna: Will my lord hear this piece of work?  
Linkara: Aye, and the king and queen too presently.

(Cinema Snob and Nostalgia Chick come out as the king and queen. Cinema Snob is dressed like Prince John, and Nostalgia Chick looks like a middle ages Sarah Palin.)

Scoonertuna: Thou did not see that coming!

Raven: Nuh-uh.  
Cinema Snob: And now how does my cousin Hamlet and my son?  
Scoonertuna: I'm more than kin and less than kind!  
Cinema Snob: I am nothing but the sun to Hamlet! These words are not mine!  
Nostalgia Chick: Now dear, mind your blood pressure. Ooh, let's sit next to the cute little girl and the crazy fairy.

(They sit down as Raven looks at Nostalgia Chick.)

Raven: Why do you look like Sarah Palin?  
Nostalgia Chick: Because the writers couldn't resist the jokes, don't you know? And I'm so happy your future father-in-law rose up and defeated one of the world's greatest threats, Katie Curik.

[Cut to Scoonertuna as he whispers something to the actors about how to perform the show.]

Scoonertuna: Okay, time to begin!  
Linkara: Right! My lords, the murder of Gonzado! Act 1!

(A pair of hands with sock puppets are there.)

Cinema Snob: Wow. Low budget.

Sock puppet 1: Don't judge!

Sock puppet 2: Let's begin the show!  
Sock puppet 1: Manamana.  
Sock puppet 2: doo-doo-da-doo-doo.

Sock puppet 1: Manamana.

Sock puppet 2: Doo-doo-doo-doo.  
Sock puppet 1: Whoa...  
Sock puppet 2: Hubba. Hubba.

(The two socks begin kissing before simulating sex as Linkara blocks the box.)

Linkara: Intermission!

(Nostalgia Chick gets in front of Raven quickly.)

Nostalgia Chick: Um... Why don't you just forget about that?  
Raven: Okay... What's your foreign policy?

Nostalgia Chick: Stop it!

Linkara: My lords, Act 2.  
Nostalgia Chick: Gazuntite.

(Sock puppet 1 is sleeping when a hand with a Jaws toy comes up.)

Shark toy: Badum! Badum! Badum! Badum!

(The shark toy ends up eating sock puppet 1 as Cinema Snob jumps onto the stage.)

Cinema Snob: I need air!

(Scoonertuna hops up.)

Scoonertuna: I'll take the ghost's words for a thousand pound!

[Scoonertuna clenches his fists angrily. He now has the proof he needs.]

Scoonertuna: Cinema Snob. You killed my father, which puts you on my Sh-*Bleep* list!

Linkara: Hamlet, who are you talking to? The king went out for fresh air.  
Scoonertuna: Oh yeah. See you in a bit. I'm going to see my mother.  
Linkara: Okay. I'll just hide behind the terrace, where I'm sure nothing bad will happen to me at all.

Scoonertuna: Good.

[Cut to Scoonertuna entering the chamber.]

Scoonertuna: Mother, how could you?

Nostalgia Chick: Eh?  
Scoonertuna: You have my father much offended!  
Nostalgia Chick: Oh, now that's just crazy Democrat talk, dear. I mean with the-  
Scoonertuna: Hey, who's behind the curtain?  
Linkara: It's not Felonious!

(Scoonertuna stabs him in the stomach.)

Linkara: Oh! You ass!

(Linkara falls over.)

Scoonertuna: What the hell were you doing back there?  
Linkara: I have this horrible fear of being stabbed.

Scoonertuna: So you stand behind there, making me think you're an intruder?

Linkara: Yes. Okay, I'm dead now.

(Linkara walks off.)

Scoonertuna: Dead for a ducket.

(Cinema Snob comes up.)

Cinema Snob: Now Hamlet, where's Felonious?  
Scoonertuna: At supper.  
Cinema Snob: At supper where?  
Scoonertuna: Not where he eats, but where he's eaten.  
Cinema Snob: ... Australia?

[Scoonertuna slaps him upside the head.]

Scoonertuna: No, but please guess again.

(Nostalgia Critic comes in.)

Cinema Snob: Oh no! It's Learteas! Son of Felonious!  
Scoonertuna: Brother to Ophelia!  
Nostalgia Chick: And a snappy dresser.  
Critic: Why thanks.

(Critic grabs Cinema Snob.)

Critic: Oh, now vile king, give me back my father! How came he dead? I'll be revenged for Felonious' murder!

(Elisa comes in screaming.)

Scoonertuna: Here we go again.

(Elisa begins singing nonsense and tossing flowers everywhere.)

Critic: Good grief.

Elisa: I'd give out some violets, but they wilted away when my father died... You assholes!

(Elisa goes off.)

Critic: I'll-

(Elisa comes back on.)

Elisa: Wait, what's Ophelia's next scene?  
Critic: She doesn't have one.  
Elisa: Come on! I can handle it!  
Critic: Seriously, that's all Shakespeare wrote.  
Elisa: Well what happens to her?  
Critic: She drowns.  
Elisa: Oh.

(Elisa goes off.)

Elisa (Screaming ): Here I go!

(Elisa comes out and tosses water on herself and falls to the ground.)

Critic: Okay... Anyway, I'll anoint my sword with an unction so mortal, that where it draws blood no cataplasm can save the cursed thing from this compulsion! ... What the hell did I just say?  
Raven: You said you laced your sword in poison.

Critic: Thank you.

Raven: You're welcome.

(Scoonertuna comes out with a skull.)

Raven: Yay! He killed Elmira!

Scoonertuna: No.  
Raven: NO! (realizing) Then who is it?

Scoonertuna: Alas poor Yorik. I knew him well, Horatio. He was a nice guy. This skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once, and then came an internet weight loss program. (Shivers) Yeash. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now?

(He hears sorrowful moaning as he turns to see Nostalgia Chick and the Critic with Elisa's body.)

Critic: Hold off the Earth awhile while I caress her in my arms again.  
Nostalgia Chick: How'd she die?  
Critic: She drowned.

Dogo: I thought she hated swimming  
Critic: She was drinking a glass of water.

Dogo: Oh...  
Scoonertuna: Hey!

(Scoonertuna arrives.)

Scoonertuna: What happened here?

Critic: Fuck you!  
Scoonertuna: Fuck you!  
Critic: Fuck you!  
Nostalgia Chick: Boys, let's settle this like gentlemen.  
Critic: Joust!  
Scoonertuna: Deal!

(They walk off.)

Nostalgia Chick: Now isn't it nice how you boys can get along?  
Raven: Go hunt wolves in Alaska!

Nostalgia Chick: Enough with the shots!

(Critic and Scoonertuna return holding swords.)

Nostalgia Chick: Now be careful boys. Those things are sharp, don't ya know?

Critic: I'm gonna cut thou in two!

Scoonertuna: Bringeth it on!

(They begin parrying swords until Scoonertuna strikes the Critic.)

Scoonertuna: One!  
Critic: Shit!  
Cinema Snob: Congratulations Hamlet. Why not take a drink from this cup?  
Scoonertuna: No thank you.  
Cinema Snob: Okay.

[Cinema Snob sets it down. They go again as Scoonertuna runs the Critic through.)

Scoonertuna: Two!  
Critic: A touch. A touch. I do confess.  
Nostalgia Chick: I drink to Hamlet.  
Critic: No, madam, don't drink!  
Nostalgia Chick: I will my lord, I pray.  
Critic: It is the poisoned cup, it is too late.

[Nostalgia Chick drinks it.]

Critic: Oh... Shit.

(They continue fighting and end up stabbing each other.)

Critic: Well that sucks.

Scoonertuna: Indeed, I'm sorry for what happened to (gasps) To...

(Nostalgia Chick comes up woozily.)

Scoonertuna: The queen.  
Critic: She swoons to see me faint.  
Nostalgia Chick: No, it was the drink... Hey... I can see Russia from heaven... Don't ya know?

(Nostalgia Chick dies.)

Scoonertuna: What treachery is this?  
Critic: It is here, Hamlet! Here I lie, never to rise again. The king... The king's to blame.  
Cinema Snob: Oh... Shit...

Scoonertuna: Oh my god! He killed my parents! You bastard! The point in venom too! Now thou murderous, incestuous Dane! Follow my mother!

(Scoonertuna stabs Cinema Snob and pours poison down his mouth and he dies.)

Scoonertuna: Success!

(Scoonertuna collapses in Dogo's arms.)

Dogo: Holy shit dude!  
Bonnie: Young man, you watch your mouth!  
Dogo: Sorry, Mom.  
Scoonertuna: I'm dying Horatio. Tell my story...

Dogo: Hamlet...  
Scoonertuna: I'm dying Horatio. Tell my story... I follow thee, Learteas. The rest... Is... Silence.

(Scoonertuna dies.)

Dogo: ... SHOOT!

(Everyone gets up and bows to tumultuous applause.)

Critic: Guys, you've done so well, say something. Say whatever you want us to do, and we'll do it real quick since we still have some time left.  
Chester: Ooh! Do Lion King!

Critic: That'll take too long.  
Chester: Okay, then do one song.

Critic: Be Prepared!  
Dogo: Endless Night!

Elisa: I just can't wait to be-  
Everyone: NO!

Velgamidragon: Shadowland!  
Critic: Wait! There's only one way to settle this. Rock, paper, scissors.

Velgamidragon: Are you kidding me?

Critic: Come on, none of us can agree. It's the only way. One... Two... Three!

(It comes down to Dogo, Elisa, and the Critic.)

Critic: It's all me, guys.

Elisa: Suck my roommate's balls!

(The three do it as the Critic wins.)

Critic: YES!  
Dogo: Okay, good game, man.  
Critic: Thank you. I am awesome.  
Elisa: Aw...  
Critic: I call Scar!  
Elisa: Can I be Whoopi Goldberg?

Critic: Sure, whatever.

Dogo: Well... Here we go.  
Critic: I never thought hyenas essential. They're crude and unspeakably plain. But maybe they've a glimmer of potential. If allied to my vision and brain.

Everyone: Hum! Hum! Hum! Hum!  
Critic: I know that your powers of retention, is as wet as a warthog's backside! But thick as you are, PAY ATTENTION! My words are a matter of pride. It's clear from your vacant expression...  
Everyone: Hum! Hum! Hum! Hum!  
Critic: The lights are not all on upstairs...  
Everyone: Hum! Hum! Hum! Hum!  
Critic: But we're talking King and succession. EVEN YOU, can't be caught unaware! So prepare for the chance of a lifetime! Be prepared for sensational news! I shining new era, is tip-toeing nearer!  
Elisa: And where do we feature?  
Critic: Just listen to teacher. I know it sounds sorted, but you'll be rewarded... When at last I am given my dues! And injustice, deliciously squared! BE PREPARED!

Scoonertuna: Yeah, be prepared! Yeah. We'll be prepared. (Raising an eyebrow) For what?  
Critic: For the death of the king  
Scoonertuna: Why? Is he sick?

Critic: No you idiot, we're gonna kill him. And Simba too.  
Elisa: Great idea? Who needs a king?  
Everyone: No king! No king! La-la-la-la-la-la!  
Critic: IDIOTS! There will be a king!  
Scoonertuna: But you said that-  
Critic: I will be king! Stick with me, and you'll never go hungry again!

Elisa: Yeah!  
Scoonertuna: Alright, long live the king!

Linkara: It's great that we'll soon be connected...  
Nostalgia Chick: To a king who'll be all time adored!  
Critic: Of course quid-pro-quo, you're expected, to take certain duties on board. The future is littered with prize's... And though I'm the main addressee, the point that I must emphasize is... YOU WON'T GET A SNIFF WITHOUT ME! SO PREPARE FOR THE CUE OF THE CENTURY... BE PREPARED FOR THE MERCILESS SCAM! Meticulous planning! Tenacity spanning! Decades of denial, is simply while I'll... Be king on disputed! Respected! Saluted! And seen FOR THE WONDER I AM! Yes my teeth and ambitions are bared! Be prepared!

[Critic laughs evilly as the lights go out and the crowd erupts with applause.]

Critic: Oh, that took a lot out of me.  
Raven: I got one!  
Critic: Okay, one more song, then we're done with this fic.  
Raven: La Resistance.  
Critic, Paw, & Dogo: Ooh...  
Dogo: I call Stan!  
Critic: Cartman!  
Paw: Kyle!  
Linkara: Ah, damn it! I guess I'll be the new guy then.  
Arella: Excuse me before we start. Young lady, where'd you see that movie?  
Raven: Aunt Phoebe showed it to me.  
Arella: ... I'm gonna... Ooh... Hey Makeover Fairy, meet me in Azarath after this fic.  
Makeover Fairy: Ooh yay!  
Linkara: Okay, let's begin. (Singing) God has smiled upon you, this day... The fate of a nation in your hands... And blessed be, the children we, who fight with all our bravery, 'till only the righteous stand...

[Suddenly all the lights in the stadium go out.]

Critic: Um, what just happened?  
Dogo (Sarcastically): Well, let's se. The power went out and, I'm guessing, someone forgot to pay the electric bill.  
Everyone: CHESTER!

Chester: I'm not in charge of bills.  
Gate Cleaner: Get out, now!  
Linkara: Aw...!  
Dogo: Well sorry about this everybody. Any crossover review requests before we leave?  
Raven: Ooh! Hunchback of Notre Dame!  
Dogo: Okay. I'll do that, so who wants to do it with me?

(Critic and Nostalgia Chick are shoved forward.)

Nostalgia Chick: Aw crap.

The End.

(Cut to Azarath as Phoebe's watching the show when the Makeover Fairy appears.)

Makeover Fairy: Hi. I'm the Makeover Fairy. I'm here to make you over.  
Phoebe: Why?  
Makeover Fairy: Your friend Arella asked me to.

Phoebe: Crud.

BLACK


End file.
